Thinking about a Boy

My best friend used to be a boy. He knew all of my secrets and dreams and wishes. I know what was in his heart. With a touch and just a few words, I used to be able to tell how his day had been going. He was there for me through thick and thin for 8 years of my life. Coming to college and leaving him behind was such a hard thing for me to do. He had taught me so much and losing him made me feel like I was losing my whole world. But like every girl that loves a boy, we go to college. We find new loves and go on new adventures. Those loves of our past becoming just amazing memories. Most of the time, thats where those loves stay, as memories of our past. This particular love...this particular boy was about to come back into my life. Our time was just cut short.

JR was amazing. He shared some of the most amazing experiences and successes of my life with me. He was the complete definition of a horse being a girl's love. There was so much we went through together. From standing in the pasture convincing JR to eat grass for the first year of him living with us, to coaxing him into the barn with a bucket of grain even though he had winter an inch long on a 30 degree November morning when probably thought he was going to freeze to death, to being drug down a gravel road at the end of a lunge line because a train was going to eat him, to convincing and never succeeding I might add that chickens and rabbits and roping calves were not the enemy. Even little things, like not being able to pee without being in the trailer without a saddle at a horse show, not wanting to be fussed over at a show just left alone to eat, that no matter how clean his stall is at midnight he will always have a poop stain on his right stifle in the morning, that no matter how much energy he had if you threw him on a lunge line all he would do is a pitter patter slow jog. I can't remember those memories without memories of being the spoon and egg class champion to be beat, the amazing showmanship patterns, the insane patterns that I would make up to test him while only riding with a rein around his neck and his bridle hooked to the saddle horn, an amazing ride at Ak-sar-ben, and I will never forget the 20 lead changes in a row down the length of our indoor arena.

I would come home and we would occasionally run into the family that bought him. Every time I would see them, I would make sure that they knew if they were ever thinking about selling him...I was to be their first and only phone call. A few months ago, my mom got an email to that affect. The youngest daughter had started college and they were thinking it might be time to let JR become a lesson horse. The first words out of my mouth when my mom told me was if he was getting on a trailer he was driving an extra 500 miles before he was getting back out! I was so excited for my boy to come home yet at the same time I was apprehensive. JR was now 23 .... and there was a chance that I would have years or just days with him. It took me a little while, but I was ok with that. I was looking forward to thanking my boy for all the years we had.

My excitement was cut short. JR went to horse heaven a few weeks ago. Yes, I was sad. But more that that my heart ached. I wasn't able to tell him good-bye. But more than that, I didn't get a chance to tell him thanks. Thanks for the years, the understanding for dealing with a sometimes emotional teenager, for the sweat and hard work and love, for all the lessons that he taught me. JR wasn't just a show horse. He was my teacher. He taught me more than just how to ride and perform maneuvers. He taught me about determination. He taught me about persistence. He taught me that with hard work a good horse can be just as successful as a great horse. JR had flaws and bad moments and things that didn't go over well, but we learned to work through those moments because there were great ones in store for us. JR taught me to be a good person. He taught me about being an honest rider. He taught me about understanding and acceptance. He taught me to let go and that I couldn't control everything no matter how much practice we had put in. Now that he is in horse heaven he can hear my thanks. He knows all of these thoughts. He knows everything in my heart. I can smile about that. I enjoy looking at pictures and those memories.

My biggest regret is that the Monkey May never got a change to ride that amazing boy. He would have been an amazing walk trot for a little girl when she outgrows Pody. The only good thing about this is that from horse heaven he can help me find the perfect horse for her. I know he will help me find the horse that will grow up with her and teach her all of the lessons that only a horse can.

With thinking about the past, I feel like JR has been talking to me. I feel like he is reminding me that I have to try. That just because my horses aren't perfect or I think ready enough, I need to get back in the show pen. Greatness can't happen until I give them the chance to try. I need to grow and learn. I was in so many clinics with JR and pi

cked up little tricks of the trade that helped with all of our successes that I need to be willing to do that now. I need to be willing to fail in order to learn. I need to grow even if I am nervous of the skill levels that I have lost over the years. For that push, for that revelation I thank JR with all of my heart. I needed that. JR probably was the only one that could me see this last month this way.

I know that JR is slow jogging in a lush field somewhere in Horse Heaven with Finny at his side. I know that there are no cows or trains in sight. I know that he knows how much I miss him and how thankful I am to him for everything. I am so happy that he was my boy and I will always love him.