Finding “That Girl” Again

I knew a girl once that choose her own direction. She was extremely dedicated, focusing all her energy and blazing her own trail right to success. I knew a girl that didn’t think she could fail. She met her goals and dreams head on and had the conviction to keep striving until she succeeded. I knew a girl that had very large dreams. She talked about her visions for her life, and even though very few achieve what she had in store for her life, her eyes always remained looking at the stars. You knew, just by talking to her, that she one day would achieve all the things that were in her heart. Her determination was beyond evident in everything she did. This girl stuck to her own set of values and more than anything she was proud of the person she was. I haven’t talked to this girl in years. We were such great friends. There was no fight, no disagreement that created the separation that is between us now. We just slipped away from each other slowly, not even realizing that we were growing apart. I haven’t thought about that girl in years and now…well, I don’t even think she would recognize me. That girl…well, she was me…a different lifetime ago.

I got a little behind on reading my Healthy Reflections emails. Okay, like 6 days behind; but it was for good reason. I promise. I am trying very hard to reflect in my journal after I read each email. Since I didn’t have the time to sit and really look at them, I decided to wait until I could make the time. Well, I read all 6 a couple days ago and reflected in my journal like I wanted to. Now, normally I feel good about the conclusions that I make about each days topics, but these 6 left me in a state of derailment. The waters are still muddy and mucky as they continue to slosh around in my brain. Even after rereading them and looking over my comments, I had a funky feeling in my stomach that I can’t shake and my mind wanders back to all of the inconclusiveness that stuck with me through the rest of the day.

The first two topics were great reminders for me. Things that tend to get thrown to the wayside when the going gets a little rocky. The first was to make the most of every day and every hour. Since I read this, it has been a constant post-it note in my mind. The more I keep focused on making the most of every day, the less stressed I seem to be. I love to cross things off a list. I don’t think that will ever change. I’ve tried to do things and just do them, but it isn’t the same. I am just an organized loving, anal-retentive list maker. I’ve accepted it and I know my husband has come to terms with that. There is just something about a list that keeps me motivated to cross off the last item at the end of the day. However, I also have a tendency to create lists that would take an army of 30 people to complete from one sun up until it falls that evening. I try to do everything in one day, and I need to be okay with the fact that I just can’t. It just isn’t possible and that is okay! That concept is getting easier for me to grasp for two reasons. One, I’m spending time playing with Kenzie. That is important and essential my life. It is such a joy to be able to take a breather and just enjoy her goofiness and relish in the amazement of everything exciting and new and fun. Two, by making the most of every day, little bits and pieces of projects are getting done. Even if they take a week to do, we are gaining that whole day back that we would have to spend if we waited to do it all at once. So, I’m working on this one. It isn’t easy, but that bright pink post-it in my head is working.

Since I’m a world renowned list connoisseur, the second one is a pretty easy post-it note maker as well. Do you have a recorded history? The quotes that really stood out to me were “the palest ink is better than the best memory” and “the secret to reaching your goals may rest in the written word.” I have set a new goal for myself. Even though I love completing the list every day, it shouldn’t mean I can’t write down the good stuff each and every day also. I’m trying to at least have a status update everyday. If that is all I write for the day, that’s ok…it’s still a memory to look back on down the road. Getting on the computer and just writing something, my goals are staying in the front of my mind. Just looking at my page, reminds me of my goals and what I want to accomplish. So, the purple post-it note is a success also!

The other four aren’t that easy. The topic titles themselves were like punches to the stomach. The fight and struggle that these words started has been an ongoing battle since I laid eyes on my computer screen that morning. How do you show your individuality?, the power of having a dream and a vision, what would you do if you knew you wouldn’t fail? and lastly, blazing your own trail. As I work to sort through my thoughts and as I try to make it across the muddy mess in my head, the reflections that pop up seem to just make my head race more and my heart hurt with longing. I am so far away from that girl that could answer these questions easily. The girl that met challenging questions and was ready to conquer the world finding the answers she seeks.

I used to be a self-made girl. That girl had a sturdy foundation of beliefs and values. Even in the worst of storms, she was able to stand strong and found strength by living and reacting from that foundation. She was an individual. She had her own stand, her own voice, and her own convictions. “These are the people who do more than shock; they leave long-lasting impressions.” WAM! That sentence felt like someone punched me square in the gut when I read it. I remember coming back home years after leaving for college to hear people start sentences with “you’re the girl…” and “you used to…” The type of person I was left those kinds of impressions. I feel like just another person in the crowd these days. I feel like I have lost my individual strength and I’m just living in the shadows of that girl that once was.

“Nothing is wrong with hard work; determination and elbow grease are what make the best dreams possible. But it's interesting that most work makes us look downward, while dreams lift our eyes to the sky. While you're keeping that nose to the grindstone, make sure you keep your head up to see where you're going.” KABOOM! That one was like a left jab right to my jaw. I haven’t thought about the dreams of that girl in such a long time. It feels like they are almost an entirely different person’s visions. I don’t have to think hard to remember those dreams. The girl, yes…those dreams, no. I know how hard she was working towards it all. I know the days she was tired and dirty and sweaty, and I remember that she knew someday all of that would pay off. She looked at the stars hoping and yearning to see what was in store for her someday. Now, thinking about her…it makes my heart sad. How can something that I was once so passionate about feel like someone else’s fairy tale? I want those dreams to come back. I want to get tunnel vision again and work hard. I want to find that spark in me again.

“Far away in the sunshine are my highest aspirations.
I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them,
and try to follow where they lead.”
- Louisa May Alcott

“There's a reason that star-gazing provokes the most powerful dreams. They're right there for the taking, yet you can't touch them. Their distance only feeds an ability to inspire. Dreams may seem out of reach, but that's not the point of dreams. They're there to be felt, not touched or dissected. What a star is made of is meaningless to a moonlit dreamer. The epic possibilities are what's important. The payoff is not so much in the destination as it is in the journey. By following your dreams, you make their beauty a part of who you are. Your life begins to shine. You become a better person. By chasing that star, you've already captured its magic.” The more emails I read, and the more phrases that I read like this, the inner assault just keeps on coming. I’m starting to really feel the beating…a few scrapes, a couple of bruises and quite a few open sores at this point.

”When you listen to naysayers who convince you that it can't be done, you endure history. When you set your priorities and stick to them, you make history. When you get distracted by things that you find useless, you endure it. When you decide to have a good day, you create a life you want. When you allow outside forces to dictate your mood, you get the life that's given to you.” Outside forces seemed to dictate everything for quite sometime. I know it was all due to my thyroid. I know that person who was weak and gave in and let the world tell me what my day was going to say about me, wasn’t me. It is still a little hard to accept that whole timeframe as a period in my life. Some times the memory of those dark days, cloud my judgment and still make me question if she is still around, lurking in the shadows. I am starting to find pride in how much better I am getting. I can look back on that horrible version of myself and feel good about how far I have come. My heart still aches to be the girl that once was.

Since reading these emails, I went through so many emotions. I was mad and angry, I felt defeated, I felt like the struggle back was an uphill battle that was going to ultimately win. But, as a few days have passed since I started writing, something has changed. I am starting to find a small fire burning, yearning to keep searching for the girl I used to know. I have a small voice in my head telling me to keep going. I want to find that girl. I want to be proud of myself again like that girl used to be. I am trying to dig deep and I am really searching for her. I just pray that I can find her…that she isn’t gone for good. I know I have to try. I owe it to that girl and to myself now.

Reflecting now, this week was good for me. It really was. These emails are making me want to find that girl. I know this is a big step for me in the right direction. I know how horrible I felt about these emails after I first read them. Now, I know they are doing their purpose on my heart and soul. I know that this week has gained my huge strides in getting back to that girl. And this struggle, this journey … boy, I know she would be proud right now.