An Un-heartfelt Thanksgiving

It’s the time of the year to reflect on what each of us has to be thankful for. I am finally starting to feel like myself again! Which to most people probably sounds a little crazy, but it is so wonderful to be able to take a deep breath and know that there was something wrong and the person I was for 7 months was not the “true me”. I am so happy one of my mom friends recognized the symptoms and twisted my arm into taking a TSH blood test. The medication is starting to work and slowly I feel like the person I used to be is slowly coming back. It feels good to welcome her home. I am so thankful for my husband. He is my rock, my #1 cheerleader, the love of my life and my best friend. He gave me the sweetest little girl in the world. I know he feels the same way when I say I can’t remember life without her… she is the best thing that has happened to the two of us. We are so blessed to have her. Then there is our home; a place to call our own with no neighbors just a beautiful portrait of the mountains outside our front door. It is so wonderful to have our horses at home; to be able to just walk outside and see them anytime we want. I know I haven’t given them each the time they deserve this past year but I have vowed to myself (and them) that this next spring we are jumping back in full force and I am so excited to have the energy and enthusiasm to start enjoying one of the other loves in my life again. Plus, we have new direction. Starting Chex under saddle, getting Peaches kid broke for Makenzie, and building a respectful partnership with Roz. How can I not be excited about the new experiences all of us are going to have as soon as the nasty weather has ended for another year? Then there is the Poochins. Who could not be thankful for the Bailey Dog? She has been the best first dog for us as a married couple. She will always be the social and behavioral standard of any dog we ever own, besides her few bad habits which is not the point and can easily be overlooked especially when she insists on a belly rub the second you greet her at her kennel door. It has been so wonderful to have a truly talented hunting dog, even though he is a little bit of a lug and knuckle-head on an everyday basis. I have been truly tickled pink to get to see him work this year since I had to sit last season out. Something about a 8 ½ month pregnant me with a gun weaving thru cornfields in search of rooster pheasants didn’t appeal to my doctor’s list of “pregnant lady OK activities.” Another one of my spring resolutions is to get Zip going in his agility training. He has so much potential to be a great dog, he just needs a direction for his energy and a little one-on-one time. I think he will make a great companion to our family. I have so many good things in my life; my family, my friends, my animals, yet my heart is not in the Thanksgiving spirit this year.

I went back to work after 2 ½ weeks when Makenzie was born. Working for a small company on unpaid maternity leave didn’t give way for many options. Even though I didn’t have much time just me and her, I had the next best option. For the last year, Makenzie has been allowed to come with me to work.

It has been the best year and so wonderful as a new mom. I have been able to experience a lot of my daughter’s accomplishments that most parents miss out on while they are away at work. I have seen her roll over for the first time and take her first steps. Both of these accomplishments actually happened at home, but I was able to see all of her preparation to jump into these milestones. I got to be with her when the girls at work taught her to wave and hold her head like she has a headache. I got to feed her lunch everyday and cuddle with her as she tried to take her nap every afternoon. I got to look at her sweet little face, whether she was sitting in the bucket on my desk, playing in her playpen or hanging out with one of her “big-person” buddies. I got to watch her play peak-a-boo with me in her playpen. I have been here for her first laugh, attempts at singing with the radio, and when she finally discovered her voice. I have been here to receive hugs, kiss her ouchies, and love on her anytime I want to. I do have to admit we have had our share of rough days. When she was having bowel troubles, teething pains, my pre-thyroid medication pissy days, and when Makenzie was just down right trouble. But I will never forget those days as much as I won’t forget all the smiles and waves and laughs and on purpose coughs to get attention and hugs. I have been able to experience it all and even though Jake hasn’t been with her during the day, the second she does something new like stand up without the assistance of the wall or learned to blow spit bubbles, he had a message on his phone or a call from me to let him in on the crazy antics of his eleven month old precious angel. I know how many laughs he had at work that brightened his day and how many evenings he was extra excited to get home so he could watch Kenzie’s newest achievement.

Makenzie has to start daycare on Monday. How I loathe the way that statement sounds. No, I have no doubts or worries or concerns about where she is going. I have checked out everything completely, calling about every parent of the kids she has watched and visiting her home several times. I have no worrisome feelings or concerns about her safety and wellbeing. I know Kenzie is going to have so much fun there. I know she enjoys coming with me to work and everyone in the office loves her. But, I also know it isn’t fair to her to try and contain her and keep her somewhat quiet so we can still maintain a professional workplace. I know she is going to have so much fun playing with the other little kids (a 3 year old boy and a 2 ½ year old little girl) everyday. I know she is going to love watching them and interacting with them as they open her eyes to all kinds of new things on a daily basis. Like any parent when their kids head off for the first day of school, they always worry if their kids are prepared and ready for the newest challenge they meet as they continue to grow up. I know Makenzie is a smart cookie. At eleven and a half months old, she can clap on cue, wave hi and bye, walk by herself (or run considering it is Makenzie), and just about say 6 words (mama, dad dad, kitty, hi ya, peek-a-boo and Katie, she loves LOVES one of the girls I work with even though it comes out as E-TEY) Ok, if you see Kenzie on a daily basis you at least know what she is trying to say. I am excited to see all the neat kid things she learns and then shares with me and Jake.

I know I have a good job that helps hold up my end of the bread-earning and helps let us have all of the things that we have worked so hard for. Even though I know it is time and she is ready, I still have a hard time looking forward to packing her up for the last time. I am actually dreading it. I don’t want to. I don’t want to carry the last of her stuff out and come in on Monday morning and see all of the bare space by my desk that was once Makenzie invaded. I don’t want to drop her off on Monday and then continue the drive to work alone. It is going to be so quiet…no screeching, no singing to the radio, and no trying to get Mom’s attention for 12 miles. 12 long miles alone each way. I worry that Makenzie is going to feel abandoned. When she plays with her hair is Sara going to know that she is ready to take a nap? When she is in a playpen will Sara know that when she kneels down and then stands back up that she is wanting someone to say “Where is Kenzie?” and then “Peek-a-boo!” When she grabs her head is Sara going to know to ask her if she has a headache? When Makenzie hurts herself, is Sara going to know that she hates to be held until she stops crying and that she would rather get down and go on to the next thing that catches her attention? When Sara holds her to get her to fall asleep, is Makenzie going to look at her and know it’s not Mom and be sad that I’m not there to cuddle with her? What happens when I pick her up the first night and I smell Sara’s perfume on her from being there all day? What happens as Makenzie starts talking more if she calls Sara “mama?” Is it supposed to make me happy that she loves Sara and that she trusts her? Because I think it will break my heart. Does Makenzie know that I don’t want to send her to daycare, that I would continue to keep her with me all the time? Is she going to know how sad I am to leave her with someone else all day? Is she going to know that it breaks my heart knowing that I can’t be with her and that someone else has to “play mom” to her all day. Is she going to know how sad I am going to be when I look over to where her play pen lived and her cute little face isn’t there smiling back at me?

Is she going to know how much I am going to miss getting hugs in the middle of the day? Will she ever forgive me for having to go to work and not finding a better way to be with her all day long like I would love to be?

I know Monday is inevitable. I know Monday will be here before I am ready for it to be. I know I am going to be strong dropping her off and saying good-bye. I know I’m going to cry the whole way to work. I cry just thinking about dropping her off, getting into the truck and leaving Sara’s neighborhood. I am nervous to pick her up Monday afternoon. Is she going to greet me like she greets Jake every night when he gets home from work? Or is she going to be mad at me and hold a grudge like she does to the nurse after she gets one of her wellness shots? Is she going to want to go back on Tuesday? Or is she going to be mad that I am dropping her off again?

I feel really guilty. How do I stay away from her all day, pick her up, and then go on with our normal evening routine? I feel guilty because I know I can’t spend every minute when we get home playing. I know I have laundry to do, dinner to make, animals that need fed and on and on. How do I not feel horrible about coming home and only giving her half of my attention in order to keep up our house? How do I not feel guilty on weekends that she has to play in her playpen while we work on whatever project in next on our to-do list? How do I not feel horrible about spring coming and putting her in the stroller to watch me as I work horses while we have daylight each afternoon? How do I accomplish the things I want to during the day while she plays by herself knowing she has to go back to daycare the next day?

I hope Makenzie understands how much I love her and how much I want only the best for her. I hope she knows how hard this is for me. I hope I can get thru the next hour at work. I hope that I can get thru Monday without too many tears. I hope Jake is prepared for the tears to come. I have a feeling I am going to need his shoulder a lot the next few weeks. I hope I can muster through these next couple of weeks. I know they aren’t going to be easy. I know I need to focus on the good things. The hugs, the laughs, the crazy things she comes up with to make us laugh. I know I have to be strong for the squirt little. I know I need to enjoy this weekend with her. I just don’t know if I can get my head and heart in the same place…I don’t know if I can be truly and full-heartedly thankful this year. I hope that can be okay…