Ready to Go

We just came back from the Nebraska Horse Expo. Kenz and I had a great and very exhausting weekend. Zip was co-pilot for his first long car ride. He did awesome. I know his Grandma Bailey would be very proud of him. We also took Roz. She was in the Van Hargis' "If it ain't broke, fix it." demonstrations. He gave me some great tips on how to gain more control of her feet and exercises to build our teamwork so that she doesn't have the opportunity or means to rear.

Since we finally have a third vehicle and didn't need the truck for anything this week, the hubby backed the truck and trailer into the arena so I can work on loading all of the horses. I thought it would be great idea with summer shows just around the corner and a good refresher for all of the horses. To this point, all of my horses load with me getting in the trailer first. This works fine and they go in most of the time fine and if needed with a little help of Jake standing behind them. Now that we have Kenz, I thought it would be good to improve the way my horse's load. I want to start having my horses load by me sending them. That way I don't have to worry about a horse jumping into the trailer and jumping on top of me or the hubby, or Kenz once she is old enough to load her own horse.

Roz was subject one. She has been in the trailer for the last 3 days so I figured she would be the quickest and easiest to accomplish loading the new way. I lunged her by the trailer making her move and turn and keep her feet moving. After a while, I would stop her and try and send her into the trailer. The first two times she balked. So I sent her back off to work again. The next couple times I tried to send her she stepped in with her front feet and came back out. So I gave her a second to rest and back to work she went. After a couple more turns and circles on the lunge line, I tried again. This time she went in. I let her stand in the trailer for a few minutes before I let her come out.

We did this over and over again. Each time she refused, it took less and less laps in between each send before she decided it was more fun to go in the trailer and relax then to keep jogging and doing work. After about 40 minutes, I was able to send her 6 times and she went right into the trailer each time! Yay! Each time she went in was more and more relaxed. By the 6th time in a row, she didn't want to trot in and jump but walked right in. She didn't try to refuse, but just walked nice and smooth. Roz had a few evasion moments. She shook her head like she would before she would rear, but her feet never left the ground! YAY! for little steps in the right direction. She crow hopped a few times when she started to get mad and wanted to get out of the lunging part of the afternoon. But when I stopped and turned her, she came back and responded and didn't get upset with the correction! Another little stepping stone. At one moment, her eyes got mad and I could tell she was getting frustrated. So while she was lunging, I kept her moving forward on the lunge line but made her do a hip yield away from the circle as well. This made her work double time and it made her stop thinking about being mad and think about the work she was being asked to do.

I really was hoping that it wouldn't have taken an hour. But since when does horse training go by the clock? Since when should I be worried about how long the process took, but the outcome of the process? Shouldn't I be more concerned about having a better step, or in this case Roz loading then I did when I started? I need to work on retraining myself. I need to enjoy the process and the result of the work without worrying if it took an hour, 10 days or 6 months. You would think that I have learned this lesson over the last year working with Roz as it has been a trip to basics for a very long period of time. But, each day just like Roz needs to learn a lesson, I guess I need to remind myself of the lessons that I need to work on. Besides that isn't an hour of improving the way my horse loads into the trailer just as important as an hour on her back? I need to keep reminding myself that an hour of good, solid hard work where I have instilled myself as the leader, is a success regardless of what we worked on that day.

I am looking forward to tomorrow. I am hoping that with our work today, Roz will either A) go right into the trailer 6 times in a row with no "work" part....wouldn't that be great but I think I would be getting a head of myself! so I hope that B) the time that it takes to get her to go into the trailer 6 times just as well as she did today takes even just a minute less than it took today. So we will see what tomorrow brings... because once Roz gets "broke" to loading it is Peaches turn!

Car Loads of Stories

Monkey May and I had to run into town after school for a doctor's appointment. My head is still spinning from trying to keep up with her conversation topic jumps. Let's see if you can keep up with her!

• "Momma, it's a white truck like Daddy!" Now there was a diesel truck but it was gray???
• "Momma, I'm hungry so I eat my baby's hat!" As she put her baby's hat in her mouth, chewed and has a very exaggerated yummmm!
• What do you want to eat for dinner Monkey? "Yellow." What? Yellow? How do you eat or even make yellow?
• "Momma, no more snow. It's icky dirty outside."
• "Ruger not nice. I'm the princess so you listen NOW!" Okay, I think we need to lay off the princess stories for a few nights.
• "Momma, the horse behind the gate is a frog Rib bit" What? If you can follow this one, you're doing better than me!
• "Momma, we go swimming in water tomorrow." No Monkey, you're going to play with Daddy tomorrow. "Oh, Daddy no swimming. Momma, I teach him! Yea!"

Welcome to a car ride with a Monkey May! Hope you got a good laugh and enjoyed the ride!

Hearts for You!

I don’t know what it is this year. It could be the cute hand-me-down Valentine’s outfits and the shirt I got Monkey on clearance the other day. It could be her little Car’s mailbox with Valentines and heart suckers in it for her to hand out on Monday at school. It could be the plain fact that I love my hubby with all my heart. Whatever the reason is this year, I am actually really looking forward to Valentine’s Day!

I have never been the biggest Valentine’s fan out there. I mean it is nice to go out for a nice dinner and have another special day besides Birthdays and our Anniversary to have some special hubby time. But we never go all out for Valentine’s Day. This year feels different though.

I have already planned our dinner. Penne Rustica (penne with bacon, shrimp, chicken, a few spices and lots of parmesan creaminess) and an insanely good looking new recipe I found for a Molten Chocolate Cheesecake with Raspberries. It sounds so good …. I have already accepted the fact that it is going to go right to my booty and that it will take the next 15 years to burn off the calories that just one insy-bitsy, ooey-gooey bite contain but I don’t care. I am going to live in denial and be completely oblivious of any and all numbers on Monday calorie or otherwise and enjoy every bite! I even have a strange urge to make chocolate dipped strawberries. Never made them before but I think I am going to take a culinary stab at it.

Since my house cleaning mission is going to be complete thanks to all of the stolen motivation that I sucked through the computer as you all read my blog, I am looking forward to just enjoying my evening. Maybe a nice bubble bath while the Monkey takes a nap a luxury that has been non-existent these past few year, a nice movie cuddling with my hubby on the couch, and light a few candles since I never take the time to enjoy their beauty.

I know there is a lot of planning going on out there by family starting couples this next week. I know that people are going crazy over potentially having a little one with the birthday of 11/11/11 because who can’t admit that that would be pretty cool. However, no one get there hopes up out there….that is by no means in the thoughts circulating in our household! So no one needs to mark their calendar to expect a “little announcement” to be made in 3 months. Just a little romantic hubby time is in order. So with that…I hope everyone is looking forward to Hearts Day. May Cupid turn an arrow your direction or re-hit you with the love arrow if you already have a special someone. And may all of your baby-making mojo be directed to a different home then mine!

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!

Just Plain OLD!

I am turning into an old foogey!

Oh wait….this blog in no way depicts a bad connotation of those that are offended by the terminology of “old foogey.” This bloggerite isn’t responsible for anyone upset or hurt by feeling like they are classified as an “old foogey.” The implicated terminology of “old foogey” is limited to the aches and pains of the author and in no way is a medical description of the aforementioned word. Does that cover the disclaimer basis? If you don’t feel it does, then I would highly recommend not continuing to read the following blog.

I am turning into an old foogey!

Can you hear my screams? I mean, I no longer a spry, young teenager but I feel so OLD! I’m not talking that I don’t have the running speed I did in high school, or that my endurance isn’t at the same par. I mean my body is turning into an old foogey!

When I was pregnant with the Monkey, she decided it would be fun and I guess extremely comfortable to sleep in my back. Let me tell you, it was amazingly pleasant. You don’t believe me? Good because the tears that streamed my face every night as my soon-to-be-a-Daddy hubby rubbed my back while (I’m sure) wondering why we ever decided to get pregnant was more than enough to see how much pain the constant spasms up my spine took their toll on me by the end of the day. After the Monkey was about six months old, the spasms were not only not getting any better but were actually getting worse, I decided to go to the chiropractor. After one huge adjustment, there was so much relief that I felt like I was walking on clouds. Don’t get me wrong, we didn’t totally fix my back. The doc informed me that my lower spine had been twisted about 30 degrees and that it was going to take time for the muscles to heal from the constant pressures to protect my spine for the previous year and a half.

Slowly, I can feel my back getting stronger. The first time I worked out at all my back was so sore that I couldn’t even do half of a move. I am to the point now that my back is still tight but it doesn’t hurt…that is until Monday.

I don’t know what I did. To date, I have learned that where my back is concerned I can do nothing or something and my back decides to go to war with me. I woke up Monday morning and couldn’t even stand. My back hurt so bad I couldn’t put my jeans on without holding my breath, get in the Jeep without tears, and walking without looking like a 135 year old lady that can’t find her walker.

I have been in so much pain the last week, I finally decided I had to do something…anything. I haven’t worked out for a couple weeks, so I thought I would do the starter workout dvd. My back was definitely tight but by the end of 30 minutes, it was a good tight. I have worked out three days in a row and it is amazing how much better my back feels.

I know that I need to become more consistent with my workouts. I need to be more consistent to benefit my health. I need to be more consistent from an endurance and muscle strength aspect. But the main reason I need to be more consistent for my back…so I can actually walk and move without feeling like I am going to kill myself. I need to be more consistent so I can enjoy my last year and a half in my 20’s feeling like a 20 year old before I can no longer enjoy that luxury.

So I created a goal. I made a workout schedule that is 7 weeks long. In 3 weeks I go home for 5 days. I am hoping my back survives riding in the truck and standing on my feet all day the whole time I am there. At the end of 7 weeks, we are going on vacation. My goal….is for my back not to hurt once on vacation. I expect that I am going to be stiff and my back is going to be tight at the end of everyday but I don’t want to hurt at all. I have made it through three days, no tears in sight today…I wonder what 6 ½ weeks is going to bring! Maybe a peace treaty with my back is somewhere in the near future!

It's Hard Work to Think About It...

I have been having deep thoughts. I have been having conversations about real intense, profound, and intelligent kinds of stuff with myself. The kinds of conversations that are so important and necessary that nothing else gets done but that’s ok because you are solving the world’s problems. Intrigued? Want to be clued in on the genius I have been conjuring up?

I have been making the most amazingly detailed lists. Lists about cleaning. Lists about the areas of my house that still need spring cleaned. What? You really thought I gave up on finishing my mission? Come on…I may take on new tasks quite quickly but I haven’t given up on this one quite yet. I have come a long ways from two weeks ago when we’ve started.
Main bathroom …. Done.
Laundry room…. Check.
Dining room…Crossed off.
Entry way and breakfast nook…Complete.
But you already knew about that…if you didn’t come on…get up to speed already!

Since those missions have been successful, we have gone through the Monkey’s room. Uncle Micah’s room now has room to sleep, a dresser to put clothes in, half of a closet floor and hanging space (that is as good as it gets) and as Monkey likes to demonstrate, room to do a little dance. We tackled the living room which now looks amazing. Christmas decorations are down for the year…that was sad. I love the way Christmas decorations make a house look. Monkey’s toy bins are once again full of toys versus the carpet toy bin that seemed to take over the two rooms. I even found room for my sewing table to move to the rooms with some of my favorite decorations on them. It fits in perfectly. I never thought to put it against the wall facing the fire place. I never thought it would actually work and I am so proud of my decorator’s brain. OH, OH… my new “curtain” for the porch door…so brilliant! I might just have to post a picture of that one.

See I worked really hard last week. Then the thinkin’ began. I’ve been processing the rest of the house. I have been working my brain overtime it’s ok I haven’t gotten any further. The areas that are done have stayed amazingly organized. That counts as hardcore cleaning for a week. Doesn’t it? I have progressed through my spring mission. Right? No. Not working on you either. Yeah, I know. I have dropped the ball this week. Procrastination monster took up residence in my cleaning bone. I am so close to being done … and I am just DONE! No more…I don’t want to finish. I have three rooms left! That’s it…our bedroom and bathroom, office and the kitchen. Three BIG rooms left. I know if I buckle down and just do it by Sunday I will be done.

I need a favor from everyone out there. I need you to send all of your motivation power to me for three days. I mean, come on. Who actually wants to be motivated over the weekend? It’s just three days…you can spare that. Is the sweet talking not working? Guilt always does it then… here we go: Didn’t your Momma teach you to share? Don’t you want me to accomplish my goal? Don’t you want to feel good knowing you helped me accomplish my spring cleaning before you have even started? It’s working isn’t it?

If nothing else, I can make you so tired you have no option but to give me your motivation. Here it goes: after I finish those three really big rooms, I still have to clean the breezeway, the shop, the horse trailer, all of my tack, touch up the cars, the outside of the house, the horse lot, the dog kennel, the pigeon and chicken coops, the….

Tea Time Anyone?

My little tomboy is getting girly on us. She got a tea party set for her birthday and she is in seventh heaven. She loves handing us plates with plastic cupcakes and feeding us with her play spoons. She loves pouring tea from her little teapot into cups for us to drink tea with her. We haven’t gotten to the point of everyone sitting at a table having tea time quite yet, but I know it is going to be one day soon. I can just imagine the Monkey and her baby, bear and doggie sitting at a table. You know what I’m talking about…the little tea parties you see on t.v. In a fancy dress with all of her play jewelry and tiara headband on, pouring tea to her friends and acting all old school proper. It makes me laugh just thinking about it.

I have never been a big tea drinker. I love my Great-Grandma’s tea. You sun brew tea outside in the summer and once it is done you add about two cups of sugar. That is the best tea there is! The hubby likes lemon green tea. Can we say absolutely disgusting… and this is from the girl that loves anything lemon. I never have been a hot tea person one bit.

Lately with the cold weather, I have been craving something warm to drink. Much over two cups coffee, gives me the jitters the rest of the day. I can’t drink decaf, it just doesn’t work for me so coffee is out. I love hot chocolate. That’s my favorite winter time drink. But, with watching what I drink, hot chocolate and my booty are too good of friends. Until I can convince said booty to become a little less clingy and needy to be hot chocolate’s best friend, that option is out too.

I came across some Lipton flavored green teas. I am very reserved about green tea. I just don’t seem to like it. I must not have a delicate enough palette for it or I don’t think I’m sophisticated enough to be a tea drinker. It smelled really good though, so I decided to get a box of mixed berry and give it a try. And the verdict is in….I like it. I’m not in love with it yet, but I actually want to drink it. I think it is going to take some time to really develop a taste for it but it isn’t bad. Plus it is warm which was the whole mission to begin with. I do have to let the tea bag sit in the hot water the whole time I am working on the cup to get more flavor into my tea and I have to try really hard to keep myself from putting sugar in it, but I’m trying to be healthy.

I am looking forward to going grocery shopping tomorrow and picking up a few more flavors to have a little variety in my days. Maybe peach…I love peach. Blueberry? Sounds potential good. Orange passionfruit sounds intriguing. We will see what mood I’m in tomorrow. I think I might be able to acquire a taste for it. There may actually be real tea time around our house soon. Now where can I find me a tiara headband at?

Priceless!

A night off from cleaning…absolutely needed!

It was so great to take a break before I get back to it tonight. Jake is off today so we are going to do a few things outside when I get home so I think I might ease back into it with a little laundry and maybe an easy room tonight.

A great two hour conversation with my hubby… always incredible!

With the crazy week he has had, our evenings have been short. Getting home at 9, followed by dinner and visiting with Monkey May quick before she crashes for the night, doesn’t leave much time for us before we have to wake up and do it all over again the next day.

A quick visit with Grandma and Poppa so a Monkey May could wear down on energy after sleeping in the truck for 3 straight hours…a true blessing!

It was such a nice and much needed break from rolling down the highway. Plus, you know it’s time to stop when the sleeping baby wakes up saying, “Momma, I see you!”

An absolutely gorgeous day (it’s almost 60 in January)…such a amazing surprise!

I can’t believe how nice it has been. Granted, it’s all a tease, the snow is coming Monday …or so they say.

And most of all…after a full days work for both of us, followed by 6 hours in the car and 200 miles of road behind us, we have hit another big accomplishment that we have been working towards searching endlessly for the last year and a half.

New Mommy-mobile sleeping in the garage when I woke up this morning….priceless!

Do Other People Really Do This?

Do other people really wash their walls?
I mean actually scrub down their walls?
Do you realize how nasty walls can get in the course of a year?

Does anyone else know that cleaning with 12 different cleaners is okay but you throw the 13th one in there and that is the one that will make you about pass out?
How many fumes can you inhale before it’s a bad thing?
What is going to happen to me after I have spent two hours in a bathroom working with said cleaners and fumes?

Do other people really think about this stuff? Do other people clean like this? Or am I just crazy? Because I totally could be….it wouldn’t shock me. Not one bit! And I don’t know if anyone would tell me or not…would they? Well, am I?

Obviously, the questions are swirling around in my brain last night as I tried to finish cleaning my first of two bathrooms. Maybe it was just the fumes. Or the boredom of scrubbing and scrubbing. Or maybe it is just the blonde brain mindlessly thinking. I know, I heard the gasp and chuckle…a blonde thinking …now we have done it!

I was busy once again last night putting the elbow grease to work. Monkey May fell asleep right after we got home. Since I know you all are jumping up and down to see list 2 here we go:

1. Scrub toilets. Monkey’s daycare lady gave me some iron off stuff to try and it was absolutely amazing. Smelled horrible but it worked incredibly. She is an angel!
2. Scrub the walls. All I have to say is there is way more grime on a horizontal surface than one would expect.
3. Scrub and scrub and scrub the shower. Our shower was never really white even right after we bought the house. I have scrubbed it so many times and just can’t get it to shine. After about 2 hours on my knees, it looks the best it ever has. I can’t count how many brain cells I lost to chemical exposure…but the tub is sure pretty!
4. Scrub the floors
5. Scrub the door
6. Wash the shower curtain and rugs
7. Dust the pictures
8. Clean the Light covers

Yay! Bathroom 1 complete. Jake was impressed when he got home. He said it looked amazing. I’m still not sure if that is a compliment to my cleaning skills or a jab at how dirty the bathroom really was. Needless to say, he was very impressed with how clean it really was!

I then, being oh so motivated, scrubbed the linen closet door and proceeded to organize it. I got all of the flannel winter sheets put away and found a more boy approved comforter for Micah to use. Somehow I don’t think he would be too thrilled with a quilted flower pattern. Oh, did I mention I found my rags I have been looking for since last spring. I swore Jake took them out to the shop. Shhhh…don’t tell him. He will never know that it was I who misplaced them.

Since Jake wasn’t home yet, I tackled the laundry room. Scrubbed the walls, dusted all the pumps and stuff, and cleaned the extremely dusty floor (I hope it was lint and not dirt because that would be oh so gross). Jake got the light globe down and while I scrubbed it, he changed light bulbs. It is amazing what a new light bulb does for a room. I am oh so proud of myself too! The water has been getting worse lately and come to find out the reverse osmosis machine wasn’t set. So I broke through the salt bridge, got it reset and on schedule so hopefully our water will be back to normal soon.

If that isn’t enough, I folded like 4 loads of laundry. Tired yet? I’m exhausted just recounting my evening. I am still so amazed at how normal clean my house was and how insanely sparkling and fresh smelling those few rooms are.

Tonight we get a break! We are driving to pick up my new mommy-mobile in Monument over 2 hours away. That is AFTER we get off work. Late night for my family! But we are excited to get it home and Jake and the Monkey can get the plates tomorrow so I can drive it this weekend! I am so excited! Oh yeah….and deep clean it too!

A Little Bit of Elbow Grease

My baby brother is hoping to moving in with us in about a month and a half. He has this amazing opportunity through school to pick a company to work for as part of his curriculum. The best part about the internship type program is he gets paid and they teach him in a real life setting what he could be learning in a classroom. I am so excited that his school offers this type of setting as I think it is going to be an amazing experience for him. His professors want the students to pick a company to work for on a few criteria, one of which is having a place to stay. I am so ecstatic that my baby bro decided that he wants to come live with us.

It is going to be really fun having him around. I went off to college when he was starting high school. Even though I came back for as many football games and wrestling meets as I could, most of my involvement with his high school years was through phone calls. The great thing about this is that we are still very close. We talk on the phone a lot. Or at least we play phone tag. I always enjoy when he comes to visit. He is always such a great help; cooking on the grill for me while we wait for Jake to get home or playing with Kenzie so I can get something done. We have a tendency to get home from work and mowing is done or a light is fixed because he was there and it just needed done. It is great that he wants to help out even though he is on vacation. We appreciate it so very much and we always look forward to his visits.

I was looking around the tornado that is my house at the moment and had a little bit of a panic attack last night. Ok, a LOT of a panic attack. Normal picking up and cleaning aside, I am so not ready for another person to live in my house. It isn’t ready for it. Our house is company ready. We have an extra bedroom for everyone to stay in. But for a few days…a week tops. Not almost 4 months! I mean the room he is going to be living in is our extra bedroom. Extra meaning everything: my sewing room, my storage room for all of my really nice house decorations, where our luggage lives, extra coats and hunting stuff, wrapping paper, my candles. EVERYTHING! I decided right then and there, I need to get my butt in gear NOW!

Looking around at the tornado, I decided we are going to start in one place, completely organize and situate the room and over the next few weeks get the house ready. I decided to start in an easier room: the main bathroom. Kenzie is excited to share her toy duckie room with her Uncle Micah. She jumped right in helping me clean. I figured that as I started moving stuff around, I would have to do a little cleaning beyond the normal weekly job to make it look a little better. Boy, was I wrong. 3 hours later, the bathroom is only halfway done. I am so disgusted and kindof embarrassed with how much grime there really is. I need to rephrase not kindof to a lot of embarrassed. There was such thick buildup around the rim of the drain I had to use a screwdriver to scrape it all off. There was so much dust on the top of the cabinet I could pick it up as a sheet. How does a light switch turn gray? Really?…absolutely gross!

Jake was teasing me. He said you are cleaning for a college student to come live with us? Micah doesn’t care. I told him that I care and now I am so grossed out that the whole house is under inspection. But more than that, I want Micah to feel at home. He’s been living on his own and I want him to feel at home with us. I know the boy eats terribly so that is one of my missions, is to put some good food in the kid. But, more than that, Micah is going to cause us to change our habits. We have been so busy that our goal of keeping a somewhat more organized house completely went out the window. We have fallen so far behind again with all the craziness. I am hoping that having Micah with us will keep us a little more disciplined and help us change our habits for good.

I did do detailed cleaning last year about this time. The rest of the year has been cleaning what needs done. So, it is time to go back in each room and scrub them until they shine again. Have you done your spring cleaning? No, I mean come on, why would you want to? Well, I am going to give you a little incentive… a little check list to run through. Hopefully this will keep me motivated to keep going because I know all of you are going to be chomping at the bit for the next checklist of things to clean.

List One:

1. Clean out all cabinets for empty bottles, stuff that you don’t use or need and organize what is left in them (I gained 2 shelves and a whole section under the sink for Micah to use…happy dance was had by both me and the Monkey May!)
2. Scrub the floor of the cabinet under the sink…It is amazing how water residue appears there around the pipes!
3. Scrub the cabinet fronts and polish with wood conditioner
4. Clean the light switch
5. Clean the light fixtures
6. Shine the mirror
7. Clean on top of any cabinets and in the corners at the top of the ceiling
8. Scrub the countertop and the grout of the tile
9. Scrub the sink…I filled mine up with bleach and let it sit for an hour and then used a scrubber and comet to get mine to shine. If you have water like ours, it takes quite a lot of sweat! I even have a little screwdriver that I use to get the buildup around the drain and sink faucet to come off.

That is what got accomplished last night. We have a pretty big list to go tonight. The motivation has started and I have that working for me to get some more things done off the list. My fun and exciting evening plans are to finish that bathroom, re-organize the linen close and cross the laundry room off the list. I’ll be armed with sweat ready to pour, elbow pads on, a Monkey May with her dust rag, a baby sitting on the stool overseeing the progress and my screwdriver in hand. Jealous aren’t you?

Thinking about a Boy

My best friend used to be a boy. He knew all of my secrets and dreams and wishes. I know what was in his heart. With a touch and just a few words, I used to be able to tell how his day had been going. He was there for me through thick and thin for 8 years of my life. Coming to college and leaving him behind was such a hard thing for me to do. He had taught me so much and losing him made me feel like I was losing my whole world. But like every girl that loves a boy, we go to college. We find new loves and go on new adventures. Those loves of our past becoming just amazing memories. Most of the time, thats where those loves stay, as memories of our past. This particular love...this particular boy was about to come back into my life. Our time was just cut short.

JR was amazing. He shared some of the most amazing experiences and successes of my life with me. He was the complete definition of a horse being a girl's love. There was so much we went through together. From standing in the pasture convincing JR to eat grass for the first year of him living with us, to coaxing him into the barn with a bucket of grain even though he had winter an inch long on a 30 degree November morning when probably thought he was going to freeze to death, to being drug down a gravel road at the end of a lunge line because a train was going to eat him, to convincing and never succeeding I might add that chickens and rabbits and roping calves were not the enemy. Even little things, like not being able to pee without being in the trailer without a saddle at a horse show, not wanting to be fussed over at a show just left alone to eat, that no matter how clean his stall is at midnight he will always have a poop stain on his right stifle in the morning, that no matter how much energy he had if you threw him on a lunge line all he would do is a pitter patter slow jog. I can't remember those memories without memories of being the spoon and egg class champion to be beat, the amazing showmanship patterns, the insane patterns that I would make up to test him while only riding with a rein around his neck and his bridle hooked to the saddle horn, an amazing ride at Ak-sar-ben, and I will never forget the 20 lead changes in a row down the length of our indoor arena.

I would come home and we would occasionally run into the family that bought him. Every time I would see them, I would make sure that they knew if they were ever thinking about selling him...I was to be their first and only phone call. A few months ago, my mom got an email to that affect. The youngest daughter had started college and they were thinking it might be time to let JR become a lesson horse. The first words out of my mouth when my mom told me was if he was getting on a trailer he was driving an extra 500 miles before he was getting back out! I was so excited for my boy to come home yet at the same time I was apprehensive. JR was now 23 .... and there was a chance that I would have years or just days with him. It took me a little while, but I was ok with that. I was looking forward to thanking my boy for all the years we had.

My excitement was cut short. JR went to horse heaven a few weeks ago. Yes, I was sad. But more that that my heart ached. I wasn't able to tell him good-bye. But more than that, I didn't get a chance to tell him thanks. Thanks for the years, the understanding for dealing with a sometimes emotional teenager, for the sweat and hard work and love, for all the lessons that he taught me. JR wasn't just a show horse. He was my teacher. He taught me more than just how to ride and perform maneuvers. He taught me about determination. He taught me about persistence. He taught me that with hard work a good horse can be just as successful as a great horse. JR had flaws and bad moments and things that didn't go over well, but we learned to work through those moments because there were great ones in store for us. JR taught me to be a good person. He taught me about being an honest rider. He taught me about understanding and acceptance. He taught me to let go and that I couldn't control everything no matter how much practice we had put in. Now that he is in horse heaven he can hear my thanks. He knows all of these thoughts. He knows everything in my heart. I can smile about that. I enjoy looking at pictures and those memories.

My biggest regret is that the Monkey May never got a change to ride that amazing boy. He would have been an amazing walk trot for a little girl when she outgrows Pody. The only good thing about this is that from horse heaven he can help me find the perfect horse for her. I know he will help me find the horse that will grow up with her and teach her all of the lessons that only a horse can.

With thinking about the past, I feel like JR has been talking to me. I feel like he is reminding me that I have to try. That just because my horses aren't perfect or I think ready enough, I need to get back in the show pen. Greatness can't happen until I give them the chance to try. I need to grow and learn. I was in so many clinics with JR and pi

cked up little tricks of the trade that helped with all of our successes that I need to be willing to do that now. I need to be willing to fail in order to learn. I need to grow even if I am nervous of the skill levels that I have lost over the years. For that push, for that revelation I thank JR with all of my heart. I needed that. JR probably was the only one that could me see this last month this way.

I know that JR is slow jogging in a lush field somewhere in Horse Heaven with Finny at his side. I know that there are no cows or trains in sight. I know that he knows how much I miss him and how thankful I am to him for everything. I am so happy that he was my boy and I will always love him.

15 days down and counting...

We are almost finished with the 15th day of the new year. By now, most people have already failed in keeping their New Year's Resolutions. I didn't make any Resolutions this year. I made one last year... and that was to not keep lists anymore. I failed. I still have lists. But, I'm happy with where I've gone with my lists this last year. I didn't accomplish amazing or great things...but I don't expect so much from myself. I used to make a list so big and so impossible that it would never get accomplished. I would end up frustrated and have the same unaccomplished list for weeks and months. Now, my lists are smaller and more manageable. There are a lot of days that I don't accomplish everything that I set out to do but I don't beat myself up over it any longer. In that respect, 2010 was a success.

This year, I decided to do something different. Shake things up a little bit if you will. I decided to create a Bucket List of Self Enhancement. I did a little reflecting on all the things that typically were part of my New Year Resolutions and I discovered something kind of interesting! Wanna take a guess? No ideas? I'll give you a clue....I can probably beat that every one of you have done the same thing I did. In one respect or another my lists were always the same. The things I wanted to do or accomplish were always one version of the same. The worst part is that in all these years I am in the same place with those areas. I have grown and changed and experienced new things. I am not the same person I was then. But, somehow the things that I want to do, the things I want to change have never happened. I am the same person where my personal growth is concerned.

Thus, we are here. 15 days into a new year. 15 days of pondering. 15 days of evaluating. 15 days of examining. 15 days of preparation. So now after 15 days I am ready to put my list out there. But it isn't a Resolution....it's my bucket list. I want to check these things off my list this year. I want to look at myself in a year and say that part of my "me" list is done. Now, I don't mean done as in complete. I mean done as in I have created habits in myself that are a part of me. I have taken things off my bucket list that more complete me as myself. I am making this list for me...for my soul.

The hope is comping back to my heart. Happiness is coming back. Small smiles and inner laughter are finding me throughout the day. I feel like I'm in such a better place as "me" then I was a year ago and that makes me feel so proud of myself. The strength and determination and persistence that I have found this last year to just make it through each day is incredible. I'm proud of that. I know that I need to call on all of this to check things off my Bucket List one by one. I have been praying that all of the fight that I have found this last year will make me find the drive to be a better me. I am hoping and praying that I won't loose sight of those struggles and all of the inner perseverance that I had to find within me. I have always believed that God puts things in our path to challenge us, to make us grow, to make us the best we can be as his children and that these challenges and struggles are God's way of helping us find our path to what God has planned for our lives.

So with my 15 days I have created my list. For once in my life this list is for me. By 2012, I am going to have found my way to cross things of my Bucket List. I will be a better me and that makes me smile. That brings joy to my soul.

My Bucket List of Self Enhancement

• Read my Bible this year. Did you know that if you read 3 Chapters every day you will read the whole Bible in a year? I have never made it very far in the past. But I know God will help guide me through this. I am excited to find my way to have a closer relationship with God and be a better servant as He guides me through the path he has for my life.
• Exercise every day. Yes, I want to loose the weight. Yes, I want to look like the old me. But, this isn't my goal this year. With all of my new medications and the changes that keep happening, my doctors have prepared me to be realistic. Now, that doesn't mean I'm not going to do my best and try to lose the weight. But my goal this year is to be a healthier me through exercising. Be a stronger me, be a more endurance focused me.
• To maintain a daily household routine. Don't get me wrong....my house stays clean for the most part but it happens on weekends or when visitors are coming. My system worked but it had a major downfall. I would accomplish the housework but it didn't allow me to do what I wanted to do because I used a whole day. I want to start doing better at having a daily routine so that things get done through the week and I have more time for me. But I also want this routine to make our mornings more in control. Right now they are really hectic and they could use a little work.
• I want to get some fun projects done. Like finishing Kenzie's baby book which is already but I have never taken the time to just put it in the book. I have a few other projects but I can't go into details because that would be giving away some presents for the year! But there are some other little things like finish painting my house after 3 years of living here, reading through some old magazines that have created quite the pile, stuff like that that just sits. It would be nice to have some breaths of fresh air having a few little things done.
• The next one is for the Monkey. They say that kids make you better people. They say that kids make you be a better you because they follow your lead. In the last 2 years, I am amazed at how true this is. I am making a vow to myself to do my best at being my best for the Monkey. We have daily talks about numbers and colors and ABC's and I need to expand my toddler knowledge to keep teaching the Monkey. I need to take more time to read to the Monkey because she loves it. I need to keep searching and finding things that the Monkey will love and make her a better and more rounded toddler. The proof is in the actions! Day 1 of swim lessons was awesome and she did amazing!
• The last of my list is a two parter. A- I want to take more time for myself and B- I need to stay out of my own way. I never take the time for myself to enjoy the things that I enjoy. Sometimes because there are things that need to get done or because I feel guilty. I want to work harder on being okay with doing more for me because that will let me be better for those around me. And part 2....I have a tendency to be my worst enemy. I don't think I'm good enough or that I have worked hard enough etc. I need to do what I enjoy and enjoy the process of growing. I need to find pleasure in the process. I need to find excitement in the growth. I need to be proud of the little accomplishments that make me a better me.

So, to that end .... Happy 15th day of the month everyone! I hope that we can help each other with our focus and determination to make this year better than the last. On that note.... where are you going to be on day 16?

Finally Christmas to the Blog World!

Just a Hint...

If you are like us, the Christmas tree is decorated. Stockings are hung by the fireplace. Holiday decorations deck the halls and nativity scenes are in many rooms of the house. This time of year makes you feel like a little kid again. You just want to go over to the tree and grab a present with your name on it and give it a shake. Now, I am the queen of peeking. I love to snoop. No MOM... I haven't attempted to look at Kenzie's present. No, I'm not lying. No, no dimples showing...see the truth is being told!

Anyways, I thought what better way to kick off the Christmas weekend with a tiny intsy-bitsy peek at the present I have for all of you. Just one little look! And if you are good, maybe Santa will have a surprise for you Christmas morning!

The Shepherds

We started decorating for Christmas last Monday. Monkey May had a great birthday. I still can’t believe she is two. Wait, let me rephrase that…I can’t believe Jake and I survived two years as parents! She has definitely presented us with some challenges and has been a little stubborn troublemaker on a very frequent basis. In all reality, she has been such a blessing and is such an amazing little person. We are so proud of everything she has taught us in the last two years and are so blessed to have such a sparkling happy little girl in our lives each and every day.

One of our first projects was hanging stickers on the windows. My mom gave us the pictures that she had when we were kids. Kenzie had a blast decorating the doors. She was so amazed but the scene we created. We had a wonderful talk about each and every item that we hung up to make our doors very Christmas-y. She counted the number of chickens and sheep, told me the sounds all the animals made, and helped get the snowflakes to stick.

I had the best conversation with Monkey May the next morning. I’ll share with you just how it went:

Momma: “Hey Kenz, who is that?”

Monkey May: “That’s Baby Jesus’ daddy”

Momma: “That’s right Kenz…that’s Joseph”

Monkey May: “Yep, that’s Joseph”

Momma: “Who’s that Kenz?”

Monkey May: “That’s Baby Jesus’ momma”

Momma:” Good job kiddo…that’s Mary”

Monkey May: “Yep, That’s Mary”

Momma: “One more …who’s that?”

She stared at the next two people for a moment and thought really hard “That’s the sheep’s daddy!”

Momma: ‘That’s right! Those are the shepherds”

Monkey May: “Yep the sheep’s daddy”

Momma: “The Shepherds take care of the sheep. And the Shepherds went to see Baby Jesus when he was born."

Monkey May: "The sheep see Baby Jesus."

Then she did the cutest thing. She took off one of the sheep from it's place on the window and stood on her tippy-toes and tried to stick him by Baby Jesus. In that moment, my heart was so overjoyed. Here Monkey May just turned two and we have just started talking about the Christmas story and she gets it. She gets that there is something special about Baby Jesus. She understands that everyone and especially the sheep wanted to go and see Baby Jesus in the manger. You know we talk all the time about how special the Wise men and the Shepherds must have been felt coming to Bethlehem to visit Baby Jesus, but what about the sheep and horses and donkeys and cattle and chickens? Now that I think about it, I'm sure they knew they were experiencing something special. I never really gave it much thought and I'm so thankful that my little girl made me stop and take a moment to give praise for

I am so excited for Monkey May to show such excitement about the true reason for the Christmas season. I am really looking forward Christmas to get here. I am excited for Christmas Eve service. I love celebrating Christmas at midnight with our Church Family. There is such a special feeling in the air, such a magical closeness with that first Christmas. I am really looking forward to Kenzie opening a special present on Christmas morning. I am looking forward to our family reading the first Christmas story in Kenzie's Bible. I hope everyone else is starting to feel the specialness of Christmas in their hearts. I hope God blesses each and every one of your families this Christmas season.

All I Want For Christmas

It's that time of the year. The air is crisp. Or just downright frigid if you are crazy enough to live where the wind constantly howls and whips over the mountains and heads towards the plains. Kenzie's not to keen on the wind. Although, I don't really blame her one bit. On those super cold days, I tell her to send out kisses to Namas and Poppas far away. She takes a deep breath, blows a kiss and shouts out an "I Love You" for the wind to carry east. Maybe that's the reason why the wind is so crazy up here...the love has a long ways to travel to reach those that we love!

Advent season has started. Christmas songs are starting to blare from radio speakers. Lights and decorations are going up all around us. Well, except for our house. We've come up with a way to make Kenzie's birthday extra special, Christmas extra special, and to enjoy the holidays all the way to the end of January. The Christmas season doesn't actually begin in our house until after Kenzie's birthday. The day after her birthday party, the Christmas tree will come into the house after living in the shop for part of a week. The boxes of decorations that my strong hubby has brought down from the attic are waiting to be unpacked. It will be so exciting this year. Kenzie loves all the lights and sparkles and twinkles. Santa's little helper is ready to go and it is going to be a blast.

Kids are getting excited for Santa's big night. Christmas lists are being made for loved ones. I am about 2/3 of the way through not only my shopping, but everything that is in our house is already wrapped and labeled for our holiday celebrations. I am such an internet shopper! Living where we do and with our crazy schedules, shopping online is so much easier and less stressful. Hopefully, (fingers crossed) the gifts that are on back order will be shipped and on there way here very soon! With all of the preparations, everyone is starting to ask the same question: What do you want for Christmas?

The more I think about this question, the more I come up with two things for Santa to bring me this year. I want to be able to stop time! It's not like I want to turn fifteen minutes into three weeks or anything...just, maybe give me an extra hour or two in the evenings. I just never seem to have time to get anything done! Exhibit A~ the last time I even looked at my blog was over two months ago! Today was a great example. We went outside this morning and got some maintenance stuff done: Jake worked on the tractor cleaning the horse lot while I cleaned the rabbit hutch, pigeon and chicken coops and the dog kennels. Then we went down to Jake's grandparents so we could cut our yearly supply of wood for the winter. With two running chainsaws, we got the back of the truck filled up in no time at all! After we arrived back home, we unloaded and stacked the wood in the dark, put out a round bale for the horses in the dark, did chores in the dark, and worked on the Suzuki in the dark. We did accomplish a lot today but it really was only half of my list of what I wanted to get done today. I could have used at least three more hours today! It was nice out and there was no wind...I could have worked out there forever.

My second Santa wish list item: Finding my way to be Super Mom! This week is going to be insane! We have a million things that need done before family comes to visit, Kenzie's birthday party, plus we have a Christmas party to go to, doctor's appointments this week, Christmas family pictures that need to be taken at some point plus all the daily work schedules, Kenzie playtime, Ruger and Zip loves, and whatever else decides to present itself this week. I know what my mom is going to say the second she reads this: "Just do what you have to ... nothing else... the rest can wait... take some time to relax and we will see you in 5 days" Did I get it right Mom? I have made my lists for the week. Yeah, I know. My New Year's Resolution for 2010 was no more lists. But, come on... it is impossible for the insanely list oriented me to succumb to a life of not crossing things off a sheet of paper. I divided my list into have to's, need to's, want to's and should do's. So it is prioritized. Even though the list is prioritized and even though only a specific list needs done this week, I want to see it all get done.

I have all these things that I want to do and should do and I never have the time. Either there are other things that are my priorities or other things that have to get done it puts all of the "want to's" on the back burner. And the days that I actually have time to work on a "want to" I am so exhausted that all I want to do is hang out with the Monkey Baby and just enjoy my day off. It is just so hard sometimes with my full work schedule and trying to take care of everything around the house until Jake gets home, spending time with the Crazy Kid and then trying to do the Cool Mom stuff. Special invites for Kenzie's birthday, plans for a homemade cake I want to make, preparing a great get together with our friends and family, Christmas projects that still need to get finished up and a million other things that I want to find the time for. I know I need to take it all one day at a time, one project at a time. I just get so burned out still. I try so hard to do more and more everyday. I know I'm getting better. I know I'm doing more and more. I know that this too is another test of my strength and determination. I am starting to feel more and more like the old me. Bad days are better, good days are better. But I'm still not there yet. I know that this too will past. I know I will look back on this and not be able to remember the hard days. I just get so frustrated sometimes. I get mad at myself that I'm not stronger and more determined on my bad days to just push through no matter what.

Right now, Kenzie is snuggled away in her bed for the night with her baby. Jake is snoring away on the couch. I should be getting a start on the week. But, for tonight, for right now, I am going to relax. My frustrations are out. My goals for the week are set. I am just going to finish watching my t.v. show in silence and then head to bed. The rest can wait until the daylight breaks.

So goodnight all! I'm going to bed with thoughts of sugar plums dancing in my head. And, just maybe, I will get lucky enough that Santa thinks I'm a good enough girl to bring me my two presents this year!

A Sad Reminder

Sometimes unfortunate things happen in our lives or in the lives of someone we may or may not know. When these types of circumstances surface, we tend to not only feel the sadness or devastation of those around us but we will also reflect on what that situation would mean to us. Earlier this week, one of the most horrible things happened to a family I don't even know. I only know them from driving by their home twice a day, four days a week for the past 10 months. This family unfortunately experienced a house fire. Now, I don't know all of the details about what transpired. From what I've heard, the husband was smoking an elk in the garage. Not too atypical in our neck of the woods or in the lives of so many of our friends. At some point the garage caught on fire. The rest of the family was in the house. Luckily, the wife noticed the fire and was able to get herself, their little girl and dog out of the house safely. This all occurred about the time the elementary school in the neighborhood was letting out. As I drove to pick up Kenzie from school, there had been several police cars and firetrucks combined to combat the blaze for about a half an hour. Dozens of parents were lined up on the sides of the road waiting to be able to drive down the streets to get to their own homes. When I got to Sara's house, the house had been burning for about an hour. As I said a prayer for the safety of the family and a prayer of hope for the firefighters to be able to convince the fire to succumb for good, a significant portion of the front of the house was destroyed. The garage was burned. The fire had spread to the front entrance of the house and the porch was in the process of collapsing. The walls on the sides and back of the house still didn't show any signs of what was happening to the south. The fire was just beginning to engulf the second story above the garage. The next morning, I was not prepared for the mass devastation that I was going to witness.

This is my first view of the horrible ending to a very sad ordeal.

The house next door experienced major burning on the siding of the house about 25-30 feet away. The side of the house where the garage is gone besides the struts that created the house's structure. The rest of the house looks like a haunted house on Halloween.

The fire was so intense that the front of the car is melted. The rubble of fallen burned debris clutters the once beautiful front yard.

Thankfully, everyone is safe. But I am so saddened for this family. They lost their home. They lost the only place their little girl has ever lived. They lost everything...cars, clothes, photos, special pieces of family history, and everything they have worked so hard in their lives to earn. Like my Dad always says when there is a disaster..."It's just stuff, it can be replaced. People can't." And this reminder is the back of my mind always. My heart just sinks from the devastation that that family must have felt watching their home be destroyed. This weekend as I pack up some of Kenzie's clothes that don't fit and get out some hand-me-downs that will soon, I'll be making a second pile. Some things for a little girl that doesn't have any. And my Goodwill box has a few things that might help them while they begin to recover the losses. I know it will not bring back their home and everything they lost, but I hope they know with the few things that we can share with them, there is another family thinking about them and keeping them in their prayers. But as I said in a time of mass destruction, we look at what could have been or should have been done to avoid such a tragedy. Things we take for granted. Things that we say, "I've done this a million times before and nothing bad has every happened." Things that we put off to tomorrow because we think there will be a tomorrow.

Because of this I'm changing. I know have a timer on my phone as a reminder once a month.

• Check smoke detectors and carbon monoxide detectors
• Re tighten Kenzie's car seat (even though I already do this frequently with how often we change vehicles)
• Check outlets and fuse boxes for any signs of melting or electrical problems.
• Change batteries in emergency flashlights and radio
• Check fire extinguishers for signs of damage

There are so many things that we do that we aren't as cautious as we should be.

• Leaving appliances plugged in when we aren't using them
• Using lights that have somewhat loose wiring harnesses
• Leaving the burn barrel unattended for short amounts of time
• Leaving the grill unattended while we are cooking dinner
• Not having a smoke detector in the shop
• Leaving the electric that hooks up the garden laying on the ground when we aren't in the garden any longer

There are also so many things that need to be taken care of in case we ever experience a disaster. Most of our important paperwork lives in a fireproof safe. There are things that aren't in there that probably should be...account numbers, photos of vehicle VIN numbers, documentation of big purchases. But there are a lot of important things that should be in there also. A DVD copy of all of our pictures. Kenzie's baby book and memories. Our wedding book and memories. Horse and dog registration papers. My great-grandma's wedding rings. All of the letters Jake has given me over the years. Yes, these are just things. But they are such important memories. I would hate to be left without them. Regardless, a disaster of any sort is hard to think about but preparedness for a "if" that hopefully never arrives isn't a bad thing either. It could never bring back everything lost, but there would still be memories to pass on. But it's important to remember to do these safety things now, when they are in your thoughts and not wait for tomorrow. This I will do everytime my calendar timer goes off because of such a sad reminder.

Rough Times

Life has been rough lately. We have just been taking one blow after another. Roz colicked and require a late Sunday night visit from the vet. The truck died. And died. And died again with no end in sight of it actually running again soon. Everyone has been sick. Work has been extremely demanding on both of us lately. We've been feeling the financial strains from everything on top of our already tight budget. I had to turn down a commitment because I just can't take it all on right now. That was very hard for me to do. We have had more late nights in the last two weeks than we have had since in I don't know how long. We are just tired and overwhelmed and frustrated. Our strength has been a little shaken as of late and our foundation feels a little unsturdy. At times I feel claustrophobic. There is so much stress on us right now that I feel like everything surrounding us is trying to push right through me. Since we have had so many late nights and added stress, nothing has gotten the attention that it needs: garden, horses, general maintenance around the house, the projects we have in the works. It has all been put on a standstill. We have been having concerns and questioning changes we have been thinking about making and don't really know which direction we should go quite yet. I know that we are only going to be handed what we can handle. I know we have made it through so many times before and I know we will persevere. It has just been hard. With all that being said, I thought I would try and find some strength. Some words for us to hold on to right now to help us get through everything a little easier. Maybe calm our hearts and heads a little.

"Do not be anxious about anything,but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving,present your requests to God.And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding,will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."Philippians 4:6-7

"So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries.Today’s trouble is enough for today."Matthew 6:34

"Now may our Lord Jesus Christ himself, and God our Father,who loved us and gave us eternal comfort and good hope through grace"2 Thessalonians 2:16

"For the LORD will be your confidence,And will keep your foot from being caught."Proverbs 3:26

"Now this is the confidence that we have in Him,that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us."1 John 5:14

"If they obey and serve him, they will spend the rest of their days in prosperity and their years in contentment."Job 36:11

"Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD."Psalm 27:14

"I can do everything through him who gives me strength."Philippians 4:13

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power"Ephesians 6:10

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."Proverbs 3:5-6

"Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee:because he trusteth in thee."Isaiah 26:3

"Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall."
Psalm 55:22

"God is our refuge and strength,an ever-present help in trouble."Psalm 46:1

"Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me."John 14:1

As I look through these versus my heart is starting to feel a release from all of the pressures we have been under and I am starting to feel a sense of calm. I am really happy I put these words here. Now when we feel overwhelmed or anxious or frustrated we can turn to here and let the versus calm our souls.

Just Jump

"Ready...Three...Go."

You can learn a lot from little kids, especially a smart little cookie like Kenzie. This is by far one of her favorite phrases and I think it says a lot about her. Since little Miss Smarty has mastered all the animal names and their sounds that she looks at in her books, we moved on to other things that all little boys and girls need to learn. She mastered the location and names of the parts of her face and other people and animals in about a week. I have to tell you I am so proud of her and how excited she is to share with everyone her wealth of 20 month old knowledge. I am just very glad to not have to know where my eye is every 15 seconds considering Kenzie likes to have her finger examined REALLY closely. Since she learned the newest lesson, we once again moved on to something new and challenging for her. Numbers. It took just a couple of days for her to be able to repeat all the numbers back as you counted to her. In a few short days, she is already counting on her own. Three through ten. All by herself and in the correct order every time. To try and help her out with her numbers, we learned to say, "Ready...1, 2, 3...Go!" whenever we are going to jump on something or peek around a corner to scare Daddy. Kenzie, being the quick learner adapted our little saying all on her own. "Ready...Three...GO!" At first, I would stop her and repeat it back trying to have her repeat back numbers 1 and 2. After I thought about it a little while, I decided that it wasn't really necessary. Why? Well, it was time to go.

The more I think about it to Kenzie one and two just aren't important. All they do is lead up to three, which means go. Why waste time doing extra stuff when you can jump right to where you want to be and just go? That is how my sweet little girl does everything. She jumps right in, ready to take it all on. Boy, how could I ever know that my biggest motivator would be such an amazing little girl. It is amazing how we seem to lose that ability and just go. We get older and get bogged down with to-do's and routines. We forget to see each day as a little kid. I know I do. I know that I stop and make a 1 and a 2 that have to get done first even though I want to be at 3. I stop myself from GO because...well, because. And I think that is the best answer. Because. There is always a because or a should. I am starting to take note in the smarts of such a little bundle of go. I am starting to jump more. The 1 and 2 will always be there. But the go, that is now and now is something that I won't get back.

I am so thankful for the daily reminder from my little personal motivation queen. You know, we get all the reflection emails and the motivation tips in articles that we watch for on a daily or weekly basis. I am lucky. I have those reminders and tips and rewards every minute that I get to spend with Kenzie. I just never realized it. I look forward to getting those little tidbit of self improvement. It gives me a few minutes to take a good look at myself and see little areas in my life where I can strive to be happier and more positive. I just needed a really big knock on the head. I have those reminders every minute of the day that I get to spend with such a inspired toddler.

• Greet each morning with a smile, a "hi-ya" and the best answer to the daily how are you today? "it's good morning." Every morning as we get her dressed, I get a huge hug. Every morning during that hug I take the biggest relaxing breath. What a great way to start each day. A happy thought and a relaxing breath.
• Everything is up. No matter if she wants up or down, Kenzie says up. This makes me laugh so much, because the more I think about it...down is up. We get to get up from sitting to go play. We get to get up from being held and get to go play. I think everyone should think of everything as ups. What a way to lift your spirit.
• Constant high fives, knuckles and kisses. Whether we are reading, coloring pretties, helping with chores, working in the garden a good deed is always noticed. Those nice remarks from a proud Momma are always rewarded with a nice action. I look forward to Kenzie doing anything that is good because I'm selfish. Everytime I tell Kenzie how pretty her picture is or how good of a job she did feeding Pody, Kenzie stops what she is doing to come over and give a kiss or knuckles back. It is so amazing how she is so willing to stop doing her own thing to do a nice thing for something that she just got told she was doing well. I notice my mindset is starting to change because of the little thanks Kenzie gives. I am constantly looking for the good in everything and I am constantly rewarding all the good things from everyone and everything around me.

There are so many amazing little kid things that do so many amazing things to the souls of their parents. Taking the time to join back in a game of tag or hide and seek. Laughing when you know they are doing something just to see you smile. I am so thankful for my little girl. I am so happy for all the little lessons and reminders that are being learned...by me. I look forward to taking advantage of moments that require a "Ready...Three...Go."

Finding “That Girl” Again

I knew a girl once that choose her own direction. She was extremely dedicated, focusing all her energy and blazing her own trail right to success. I knew a girl that didn’t think she could fail. She met her goals and dreams head on and had the conviction to keep striving until she succeeded. I knew a girl that had very large dreams. She talked about her visions for her life, and even though very few achieve what she had in store for her life, her eyes always remained looking at the stars. You knew, just by talking to her, that she one day would achieve all the things that were in her heart. Her determination was beyond evident in everything she did. This girl stuck to her own set of values and more than anything she was proud of the person she was. I haven’t talked to this girl in years. We were such great friends. There was no fight, no disagreement that created the separation that is between us now. We just slipped away from each other slowly, not even realizing that we were growing apart. I haven’t thought about that girl in years and now…well, I don’t even think she would recognize me. That girl…well, she was me…a different lifetime ago.

I got a little behind on reading my Healthy Reflections emails. Okay, like 6 days behind; but it was for good reason. I promise. I am trying very hard to reflect in my journal after I read each email. Since I didn’t have the time to sit and really look at them, I decided to wait until I could make the time. Well, I read all 6 a couple days ago and reflected in my journal like I wanted to. Now, normally I feel good about the conclusions that I make about each days topics, but these 6 left me in a state of derailment. The waters are still muddy and mucky as they continue to slosh around in my brain. Even after rereading them and looking over my comments, I had a funky feeling in my stomach that I can’t shake and my mind wanders back to all of the inconclusiveness that stuck with me through the rest of the day.

The first two topics were great reminders for me. Things that tend to get thrown to the wayside when the going gets a little rocky. The first was to make the most of every day and every hour. Since I read this, it has been a constant post-it note in my mind. The more I keep focused on making the most of every day, the less stressed I seem to be. I love to cross things off a list. I don’t think that will ever change. I’ve tried to do things and just do them, but it isn’t the same. I am just an organized loving, anal-retentive list maker. I’ve accepted it and I know my husband has come to terms with that. There is just something about a list that keeps me motivated to cross off the last item at the end of the day. However, I also have a tendency to create lists that would take an army of 30 people to complete from one sun up until it falls that evening. I try to do everything in one day, and I need to be okay with the fact that I just can’t. It just isn’t possible and that is okay! That concept is getting easier for me to grasp for two reasons. One, I’m spending time playing with Kenzie. That is important and essential my life. It is such a joy to be able to take a breather and just enjoy her goofiness and relish in the amazement of everything exciting and new and fun. Two, by making the most of every day, little bits and pieces of projects are getting done. Even if they take a week to do, we are gaining that whole day back that we would have to spend if we waited to do it all at once. So, I’m working on this one. It isn’t easy, but that bright pink post-it in my head is working.

Since I’m a world renowned list connoisseur, the second one is a pretty easy post-it note maker as well. Do you have a recorded history? The quotes that really stood out to me were “the palest ink is better than the best memory” and “the secret to reaching your goals may rest in the written word.” I have set a new goal for myself. Even though I love completing the list every day, it shouldn’t mean I can’t write down the good stuff each and every day also. I’m trying to at least have a status update everyday. If that is all I write for the day, that’s ok…it’s still a memory to look back on down the road. Getting on the computer and just writing something, my goals are staying in the front of my mind. Just looking at my page, reminds me of my goals and what I want to accomplish. So, the purple post-it note is a success also!

The other four aren’t that easy. The topic titles themselves were like punches to the stomach. The fight and struggle that these words started has been an ongoing battle since I laid eyes on my computer screen that morning. How do you show your individuality?, the power of having a dream and a vision, what would you do if you knew you wouldn’t fail? and lastly, blazing your own trail. As I work to sort through my thoughts and as I try to make it across the muddy mess in my head, the reflections that pop up seem to just make my head race more and my heart hurt with longing. I am so far away from that girl that could answer these questions easily. The girl that met challenging questions and was ready to conquer the world finding the answers she seeks.

I used to be a self-made girl. That girl had a sturdy foundation of beliefs and values. Even in the worst of storms, she was able to stand strong and found strength by living and reacting from that foundation. She was an individual. She had her own stand, her own voice, and her own convictions. “These are the people who do more than shock; they leave long-lasting impressions.” WAM! That sentence felt like someone punched me square in the gut when I read it. I remember coming back home years after leaving for college to hear people start sentences with “you’re the girl…” and “you used to…” The type of person I was left those kinds of impressions. I feel like just another person in the crowd these days. I feel like I have lost my individual strength and I’m just living in the shadows of that girl that once was.

“Nothing is wrong with hard work; determination and elbow grease are what make the best dreams possible. But it's interesting that most work makes us look downward, while dreams lift our eyes to the sky. While you're keeping that nose to the grindstone, make sure you keep your head up to see where you're going.” KABOOM! That one was like a left jab right to my jaw. I haven’t thought about the dreams of that girl in such a long time. It feels like they are almost an entirely different person’s visions. I don’t have to think hard to remember those dreams. The girl, yes…those dreams, no. I know how hard she was working towards it all. I know the days she was tired and dirty and sweaty, and I remember that she knew someday all of that would pay off. She looked at the stars hoping and yearning to see what was in store for her someday. Now, thinking about her…it makes my heart sad. How can something that I was once so passionate about feel like someone else’s fairy tale? I want those dreams to come back. I want to get tunnel vision again and work hard. I want to find that spark in me again.

“Far away in the sunshine are my highest aspirations.
I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them,
and try to follow where they lead.”
- Louisa May Alcott

“There's a reason that star-gazing provokes the most powerful dreams. They're right there for the taking, yet you can't touch them. Their distance only feeds an ability to inspire. Dreams may seem out of reach, but that's not the point of dreams. They're there to be felt, not touched or dissected. What a star is made of is meaningless to a moonlit dreamer. The epic possibilities are what's important. The payoff is not so much in the destination as it is in the journey. By following your dreams, you make their beauty a part of who you are. Your life begins to shine. You become a better person. By chasing that star, you've already captured its magic.” The more emails I read, and the more phrases that I read like this, the inner assault just keeps on coming. I’m starting to really feel the beating…a few scrapes, a couple of bruises and quite a few open sores at this point.

”When you listen to naysayers who convince you that it can't be done, you endure history. When you set your priorities and stick to them, you make history. When you get distracted by things that you find useless, you endure it. When you decide to have a good day, you create a life you want. When you allow outside forces to dictate your mood, you get the life that's given to you.” Outside forces seemed to dictate everything for quite sometime. I know it was all due to my thyroid. I know that person who was weak and gave in and let the world tell me what my day was going to say about me, wasn’t me. It is still a little hard to accept that whole timeframe as a period in my life. Some times the memory of those dark days, cloud my judgment and still make me question if she is still around, lurking in the shadows. I am starting to find pride in how much better I am getting. I can look back on that horrible version of myself and feel good about how far I have come. My heart still aches to be the girl that once was.

Since reading these emails, I went through so many emotions. I was mad and angry, I felt defeated, I felt like the struggle back was an uphill battle that was going to ultimately win. But, as a few days have passed since I started writing, something has changed. I am starting to find a small fire burning, yearning to keep searching for the girl I used to know. I have a small voice in my head telling me to keep going. I want to find that girl. I want to be proud of myself again like that girl used to be. I am trying to dig deep and I am really searching for her. I just pray that I can find her…that she isn’t gone for good. I know I have to try. I owe it to that girl and to myself now.

Reflecting now, this week was good for me. It really was. These emails are making me want to find that girl. I know this is a big step for me in the right direction. I know how horrible I felt about these emails after I first read them. Now, I know they are doing their purpose on my heart and soul. I know that this week has gained my huge strides in getting back to that girl. And this struggle, this journey … boy, I know she would be proud right now.

Today

Today, we did one of the hardest things ever.

We did what was best, even though our hearts are breaking.

Today, we lost one of our best friends.